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| I am a much happier person when I am not in school. In the past I have been very cynical about the church, really about life, but I'm not anymore. Cynicism really comes from a place of judgement, of assuming everyone is fake or that everyone's motives are wrong, or that no one could possible understand things as well as I do. Lately I've seen this attitude of judgement in myself more clearly than I ever had before. A false sense of superiority that was so well hidden I didn't even really know it was there. You've probably heard me call it church angst. A discontent with the way we "do" church. And questioning the way we do things is ok, good even. But assuming that the people who do the things I question are somehow less than me, or don't know as much as me, that's ridiculous. I would laugh at how ridiculous if it wasn't so depressing to think that was my attitude. bleh. Which comes back to not being in school. You see, when I'm out of school, I like the bible more. This sounds very bad. But honestly, when the bible is a text book for almost all of my classes, I tend not to like to read it very much. But here, where it is my choice to read it, I find it much more compelling. I mean have you read the gospels lately? Jesus is crazy! No wonder people were afraid of him, if I had heard some guy telling stories about vineyards and wheat and being cast into fire, I'd be pretty freaked out to. There are so many things that I have completely missed because I don't ever read the bible looking for Jesus as he is, I read the Bible looking for Jesus as I expect him to be. Also, these last few weeks, I have been learning to relax. A couple weeks ago I was really worked up about something and my friend basically said, hey it doesn't matter. Just relax and let God be in control. And he was very right. I am very uptight. I don't like when things don't go my way, or when people don't listen to my opinions (especially since my opinions are always better), or when people think I'm incapable. But really, it doesn't matter if people think i'm capable and it doesn't matter if things go my way as long as they go. I'm learning to let go. To chill out and stop being such a control freak. It's very liberating. It's freeing to think it doesn't matter what they think or what I think, God knows. So all this rambling is to say that I'm dropping out of college...Just kidding. :) Really, though, I just feel really good. I feel joyful. I love youth ministry. Even when I don't love it. And I love being formed by God into something, even when I don't like it. | | |
| This weekend:
-clean
-cook
-decorate
-dress?
-social
-paint
-pack
-move
-study??
I like finals week. Yes there are major exams, but there is also a lot
of downtime, especially when your finals are all shoved into two days
like mine are. I enjoy this, because it gives me time to play and watch
movies. I really like movies.
Seeker formal this weekend, I wish I had a new dress... but I do not.
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| Why is it that teachers think they should assign all the projects and
papers at the end of the semester? Really, they should do it at the
beginning, when we still care about school. When it's a week and a half
until finals I am not very motivated to accomplish... anything...
except find something to wear to the Seeker formal.. and paint my house
:)
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| Just now as I was walking to work I heard a girl say, "I'm not the
typical girl!" And I thought, "me neither." But then I started thinking
about my friends, and none of them are typical either. So, who is this
typical girl? Have you ever met her? Who is this person and what makes
her "typical"? And if she doesn't exist why are we constantly comparing
ourselves and other to her? It's "that girl". You know the one I'm
talking about. You don't want to be her, and you don't want to be
friends with her. "That girl" is the one that holds us back when we
know we should bemaking friends with someone. "That girl" makes us
pretend we aren't upset about things because we don't want to be
thought of as an emotional girl."That girl" is the reason people think
girls are mean or stupid or slutty. "That girl" is the reason we have
to look good when we go out, she's so judgemental. Who is this girl?
Does she exist? Or is she just a product of our cultural fears? And if
she doesn't exist, why does she define our entire gender?
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| Sometimes I really want to think of something clever to write, but I
have nothing. Really I'm just attempting to pass the time between now
and 1 am, when I can go home and sleep. mmmmm sleep..... In order to do
so, I will make a list of things I have discovered this Easter
weekend
1- indoor concerts are more fun, especially when it is cold
2- apparently in Texas, one should always expect snow
3- my family is not good at communication, though I suspected this before
4- people get antsy when you don't asnwer their myspace messages, especially if they don't know you gave it up for lent
5- no matter how gassy it makes me after, i still always want mexican food
6- in college, our crazy diets make our bowells strange, so when we
have a particularly satifying poop, it is necessary to share this
joyous news with others, especially room mates
7- we tend not to pray in a way that is consistant with what we know to be the nature of God
8- i'm a control freak who hates not driving
9- girls cuddle....boys wrestle
10- boys make bathtubs so gross you have to clean them three times to feel safe
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